cursing myself

 It’s unreal how disconnected I’ve been from my body and self. 

Yesterday I was having a panic attack. Fuzziness, outside my body, frozen. My chest is tight. My tongue is completely numb. Out of nowhere. 

In the moment, I suffer through and maybe curse myself for the total loss of functioning. GET IT TOGETHER. 

No grace is given, although I would genuinely give anyone else unlimited grace. 

I can’t see that I’m not “just messed up” but am in a state that overpowers me. 

My nervous system can’t be willed to regulate. Chastising it doesn’t help. 

I don’t have to live like this. Most people don’t live like this, with episodes of dissociation. All consuming anxiety attacks. Routine nightmares of your parent trying to kill you, or planes crashing around you. (In both plots, I’m responsible for saving people- my younger sisters from my dad trying to shoot us; or preventing people on the ground from getting smashed by the plane.)

That’s just fucked up. 

I feel fucked up and broken. I want to be fixed. 

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