Two hours, and I’m in a different place. “These thoughts and feelings WILL pass”, I repeat to myself. I stop to observe my J bug. Wide eyes, a blonde mop of hair, teeth with gaps that all show when she smiles. She smiles often. Her laughs of delight come out freely. “I wish I could be as happy as J bug”, I think for the 1,000th time in her two year existence. I’m outside myself now. Not sure if that’s good or bad but it is where I am. She and I play games where we touch noses then I smell her feet followed by rounds of fake sneezing (you’d have to be there). This child’s autism enriches her delight. She belly laughs, and it makes me laugh. Then I lay in bed. A asks me to “lay with one arm under me and one on top of me”. He brings his iPad: “I thought it would be a good family activity to watch a show together”. I wasn’t hugged often that I remember. Certainly never cuddled, not once in my memory. I wasn’t allowed in my parents’ room. I don’t remember my mom...
A heavy weight lays squarely on my chest. It’s crushing me. I can take only short, shallow breaths. There’s a tight band across my forehead going back behind my ears. Pulsating. My forehead is scrunched. Light seems really bright. I can hear minute sounds in another room. They grow louder and more irritating by the second. This is the worst day I’ve had in awhile. It’s exhausting. “I don’t even want to live” barges into my mind. I don’t want to die. I tell myself: you are safe. I am safe. (Which person should I speak in?). This “suicidal” part has kept me alive, the part that knows there is always a way to escape the pain. It feels quite sinister and unsettling that somewhere in my brain, this is my security blanket, ready at a moment’s notice. (Or really, no notice at all. It just shows up.) My kids are curled up under fluffy gray quilts. I don’t sleep with my husband so the kids don’t have to sleep alone; divide and conquer/comfort. My A wil...
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