a monday evening

I have to start somewhere. 

So many things run through my mind, and since I don’t release them, they continue to pass right back through, over and over. 

It’s finally different, my life. I am in a place I truly never knew existed. My normal for 35 years is apparently not normal. Or, at least, there is a better way to live of which I was not aware. 

I’m learning to sit with my emotions. The process is cumbersome. 

Anger is a new feeling. For so long it hasn’t been welcome. 

Like an unsteady fawn, my legs buckle. I can’t confidently stand upright. Everything feels new. Uncertain. 

Rage comes out of nowhere. Fuck the part of the world that allows bad things to happen. Fuck that little girl having to be be scared and alone. 

Then tears. Salty tears fill my eyes. 

There’s a lump in my throat. 

I’m not crazy. I didn’t deserve any of it. 

I can take care of myself, and I can get better. I deserve to be happy. 

Up and down. Heaviness then relief. Tension and release. 

I’ll keep walking through. 

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